And the shame rolls in…..

So one of the many things I deal with is shame and embarrassment of my weight. I live in the town that I grew up in throughout high school, and it’s a small nit town…unfortunately high chances of running in to someone that you knew in school. That happened to me last night at Subway…I had stopped in to grab a Sub after working out at the gym….and of course I run in to someone from high school and his dad… both knew me pretty well in my *lighter* days. I was embarrassed and refused eye contact. I figured if I didn’t initiate contact I could slip outta there and they’d never know I was there…. The last time I saw my former schoolmate, he didn’t recognize me when I ran in to him and asked about his new baby. Much to my misfortune, his dad did recognize me while standing in Subway…and said hello and was polite, even playful as I’d always known him to be….but for some reason I just wanted to hide or go invisible. All I can think about at this moment is what they probably think of me and my weight/appearance these days. So I quickly answered him, diverted my eyes as to not prolong the interaction and prayed the sandwich making lady would hurry up so I could get out of there…

As I drove away from Subway I once again questioned why I chose to move back to this town when we bought a house. I could have just stayed in Louisville and only seen people I knew on rare occasion. I was frustrated and anxious. I dread when I have to see any other classmates, specifically people who I were once close with. I then took a deep breath, remembered that my weight doesn’t define me. He gave me no reason to think he was going to treat me differently and I was really unfair to him by assuming he would. I really don’t know what came over me. I am not usually that crazy when this situation happens. Maybe it was because I was a sweaty mess having just left the gym and my hair was a mess and I probably smelled…with extra hormones and adrenaline running. Who knows. 

I just have to remember that I am on a path to health and that I will look back at this one day for the silliness that it is and know that I am much more than my weight and appearance. Whether someone is skinny, overweight or a healthy weight, it doesn’t define a person. And I should stop defining myself in this way. 

Which is an even bigger task.

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